青帝小说

童年 childhd（第1页）

列夫·托尔斯泰

LeoTolstoy

Hay，hay，never-returningtimeofchildhood!Howcanwehellovinganddwellinguonitsrecollections?Theycheerandelevatethesoul，andbecometooneasourceofhigherjoys。

Sometimes，whendreamingofbygonedays，fancythat，tiredoutwithrunningabout，Ihavesatdowninmyhigharm-chairbythetea-table。Itislate，andIhavelongsincedrunkmycuofmilk。MyeyesareheavywithsleeasIsitthereandlisten。HowcouldInotlisten，seeingthatMammaisseakingtosomebody，andthatthesoundofhervoiceissomelodiousandkind?Howmuchitsechoesrecalltomyheart!WithmyeyesveiledwithdrowsinessIgazeatherwistfully。Suddenlysheseemstogrowsmallerandsmaller，andherfacevanishestoaoint;yetIcanstillseeit—canstillseeherasshelooksatmeandsmiles。Somehowitleasesmetoseehergrownsosmall。Iblinkandblink，yetshelooksnolargerthanaboyreflectedintheuilofaneye。ThenIrousemyself，andtheicturefades。OncemoreIhalf-closemyeyes，andcastabouttotryandrecallthedream，butithasgone，Irisetomyfeet，onlytofallbackcomfortablyintothearmchair。

“There!Youarefallingasleeagain，littleNicolas，”saysMamma。“Youhadbettergotoby-by。”

“No，Iwontgotoslee，Mamma，”Irely，thoughalmostinaudibly，forleasantdreamsarefillingallmysoul。Thesoundsleeofchildhoodisweighingmyeyelidsdown，andforafewmoments。Isinkintoslumberandoblivionuntilawakenedbysomeone。Ifeelinmysleeasthoughasofthandwerecaressingme。Iknowitbythetouch，and，thoughstilldreaming，Iseizeholdofitandressittomylis。Everyoneelsehasgonetobed，andonlyonecandleremainsburninginthedrawing-room。Mammahassaidthatsheherselfwillwakeme。ShesitsdownonthearmofthechairinwhichIamaslee，withhersofthandstrokingmyhair，andIhearherbeloved，well-knownvoicesayinmyear:“Getu，mydarling。Itistimetogoby-by。”

Noenviousgazeseeshernow。Sheisnotafraidtosheduonmethewholeofhertendernessandlove。Idonotwakeu，yetIkissandkissherhand。

“Getu，then，myangel。”

Sheassesherotherarmroundmyneck，andherfingersticklemeastheymoveacrossit。Theroomisquietandinhalf-darkness，buttheticklinghastouchedmynervesandIbegintoawake。Mammaissittingnearme—thatIcantell—andtouchingme;Icanhearhervoiceandfeelherresence。Thisatlastrousesmetosringu，tothrowmyarmsaroundherneck，tohidemyheadinherbosom，andtosaywithasigh:

“Ah，dear，darlingMamma，howmuchIloveyou!”

Shesmileshersad，enchantingsmile，takesmyheadbetweenhertwohands，kissesmeontheforehead，andliftsmeontoherla。

“Doyoulovemesomuch，then?”shesays。Then，afterafewmomentssilence，shecontinues:“Andyoumustlovemealways，andneverforgetme。IfyourMammashouldnolongerbehere，willyouromisenevertoforgether—never，Nicolinka?”andshekissesmemorefondlythanever。

“Oh，butyoumustnotseakso，darlingMamma，myowndarlingMamma!”IexclaimasIclasherknees，andtearsofjoyandlovefallfrommyeyes。

How，aftersceneslikethis!Iwouldgoustairs，andstandbeforetheicons，andsaywitharaturousfeeling，“GodblessPaaandMamma!”andreeatarayerformybelovedmotherwhichmychildishlishadlearnttolis—theloveofGodandotherblendingstrangelyinasingleemotion!

AftersayingmyrayersIwouldwramyselfuinthebedclothes。Myheartwouldfeellight，eaceful，andhay，andonedreamwouldfollowanother。Dreamsofwhat?Theywereallofthemvague，butallofthemfullofureloveandofasortofexectationofhainess。Usually，also，therewouldbesomefavoritetoy—achinadogorharestuckintothebed-cornerbehindtheillow，anditwouldleasemetothinkhowwarmandcomfortableandwellcared—foritwasthere。Also，IwouldrayGodtomakeeveryonehay，sothateveryonemightbecontented，andalsotosendfineweathertomorrowforourwalk。ThenIwouldturnmyselfoverontotheotherside，andthoughtsanddreamswouldbecomejumbledandentangledtogetheruntilatlastIsletsoundlyandeacefully，thoughwithafacewetwithtears。

Doinafterlifethefreshnessandlight-heartedness，thecravingforloveandforstrengthoffaith，everreturnwhichweexerienceinourchildhoodsyears?Whatbettertimeisthereinourlivesthanwhenthetwobestofvirtues—innocentgaietyandaboundlessyearningforaffection—areoursoleobjectsofursuit?

Wherenowareourardentrayers?Wherenowareourbestgifts—theuretearsofemotionwhichaguardianangeldrieswithasmileasheshedsuonuslovelydreamsofineffablechildishjoy?Canitbethatlifehasleftsuchheavytracesuononesheartthatthosetearsandecstasiesareforevervanished?Canitbethatthereremainstousonlytherecollectionofthem?

快乐的，快乐的，不再回来的童年时代啊！怎能不让我热爱和珍视对你的回忆呢？这些回忆让我精神亢奋、心灵欢快，是我无限乐趣的源泉。

有时，我会回忆起流逝的岁月。那时跑不动了，我就在茶桌旁那把高背安乐椅上安逸地坐下来；夜深了，我早就喝光我杯里的牛奶，迷迷糊糊地合上眼睛，静坐在那儿聆听妈妈在同什么人说话，她的声音是那么婉转优美！那声音不停地在我的心灵深处荡漾，让我想起那段美妙的时光。我用迷糊的睡眼渴望地看着妈妈的脸。忽然，妈妈的身影逐渐变小，她的面孔缩小成了一个小点。可是，我依然可以看到她，她笑眯眯地瞥了我一眼。不知什么缘故，我喜欢看见妈妈变得这么小的样子。我眨了眨双眼，她的样子变得和瞳人里的小孩儿一样大了。后来我被惊醒了，画面也不见了。我半眯着眼睛，举目四望，努力想使梦中的景象再现，却一点儿也想不起来了。我站起来，又马上惬意地躺回安乐椅上。

“你又睡着了，小尼古拉斯，”妈妈对我说，“你还是上楼去睡比较好。”

“我不想睡，妈妈，”我朦朦胧胧地念叨，我心里装的都是那些迷幻而幸福的梦想。还是小孩的我抵挡不住那浓浓的睡意，眼皮慢慢合了起来，刹那间就进入了沉沉的梦乡，直到最终被人唤醒。朦胧间，我觉得有人用手在轻轻地抚摩我，这种触摸的感觉告诉我，是妈妈的手。睡梦中的我情不自禁地拉住那只手，把它牢牢地按在嘴唇上。所有的人都已经离开，客厅里只剩下一根燃烧的蜡烛。妈妈说，她要自己叫醒我。妈妈坐在我睡的那张椅子的扶手上，用她那温暖的手抚摸着我的头发，用我熟悉的、暖人的声音在我耳边说：“起来吧，我的乖宝贝，该去睡觉了。”

她不会因为任何人嫉妒的眼光而有丝毫犹疑：她根本不顾虑把她的全部温柔和慈爱赋予我。我合着眼，只是一次又一次地亲她的手。

“起来吧，我的天使！”

她的另外一只手搂住我的脖子。手指滑过脖子，让我觉得很痒痒。房间里没有一点儿声音，光线忽明忽暗，但挠痒让我精神振奋，睡意全无。此刻，妈妈就坐在我的身边——这我感觉得到——充满爱意地抚摩着我；我听到她的声音，真实地感觉到她的气息。我赶紧跳了起来，双手抱住妈妈的脖颈，把头钻进她的怀里，叹息了一声，说道：“噢，亲爱的，亲爱的妈妈，我多么爱你呀！”

妈妈露出忧郁而迷人的微笑，然后用双手托住我的头，亲亲我的前额，最后抱起来让我坐在她的腿上。“这么说，你十分爱我？”她停了片刻，随后说，“记住，你一定要永远爱我，永远不要忘了我。如果妈妈不在这儿了，你能保证永远不忘掉她吗？永远不忘记，尼古林卡（尼古拉斯的小名）？”她更加轻柔地亲我。

“不，不要这么说，我亲爱的妈妈，我最亲爱的妈妈！”我喊了起来，使劲抱住她的双腿，爱和狂喜的泪水止不住地往下流。

所有的事情都过去后，我回到楼上，虔诚地站在圣像前祷告：“主啊，求你祝福我的爸爸和妈妈。”幼稚的我重复着为亲爱的妈妈祈祷——我对她的爱和对上帝的爱神奇地融合在了一起。